Thoughts On Being Played

Tonight I started reading Neil Strauss’ The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. A friend of mine recently read it and had been telling me tons about it. To some extent I was interested by what he told me but largely I was annoyed because it seemed shallow and exploitive. My natural distrust and deeply rooted bitterness against men and a dating culture I always feel outside of didn’t help to ease my irritation at having to listen to him talk about it. But eventually he wore me down enough to see some value in it and finally generated enough curiosity in me that I found it online and began reading it.
Admittedly, having been mildly seduced by a man at a club a while back also added to my interest in the subject.

As I’ve been reading it one of my dominate thoughts has been that I don’t believe these men would be so successful if women didn’t secretly or subconsciously want to be seduced. And, if we females are honest, maybe we aren’t so unaware of the desire. Women want to feel desirable. Even those of us who claim to have too much self-esteem and self-worth to resort to turning ourselves into sex symbols still want to be seen that way once in a while. Related to that, I think we want to feel worthy of seduction, even if worth really has nothing to do with it.

I was reminded of a female character in The Namesake who had been bookwormish and reserved all of her life until graduate school. For grad school she went to Paris and while she lived in the city she allowed dozens of men to seduce her. In a way she was very much like Strauss who, before he became a pick up artist, had been a geek who couldn’t seem to move passed the ‘just friends’ phase with women in his life. He admits to entering that society to some extent because he felt like this was one area in which he was a failure, he didn’t want to be one anymore. In a similar way, she was also making up for her own sense of failure in that area. She did it to prove something about herself and affirm something about herself. I’ll admit that the night I went to that club I had her on my mind and had a similar (though less extreme) goal in mind. My initial response after the fact was to feel accomplished and affirmed (though once my blood had cooled other thoughts arose).

One thing I learned on that dance floor is that seduction involves the willing choice of both participants (we aren’t talking date rape here). Also, that women lead it to some extent as much as men by our body language, our cues. The Game confirmed this to me with all of the PUA s (pick up artists) emphasis on reading women’s IOIs (indicators of interest). I don’t think we are tricked or coerced into giving them those. We are willingly giving into a desire that we have had whether or not we are aware or admit it to ourselves. We want them to make us feel desirable and if they do it well enough we reward them for it.

(I would also argue that women have their own art for attracting men that is rather impressive but I won’t go into that right now).

I used to think people did these sort of things out of a misdirected desire for connection, maybe that it’s true for some people and to some extent, but that certainly isn’t the only motive. These men don’t only pick up lonely women. They are often as successful with women who have boyfriends as with women who are unattached. I doubt all of those women really thought it would be or even wanted it to be more than a one night stand, if they’re really honest with themselves. I think sometimes we allow ourselves to be picked up because it affirms our sexuality and our sex appeal. We also need to feel like that person is worth being wanted by, thus the need for PUAs to come off as a “alpha males.” There wouldn’t be anything affirming about being seduced by a weak or pathetic man.

Despite how mutual beneficial I may be making this seem I do think there is a problem with the fact that ultimately the game (both on the side of men and women) is ruled by our insecurities, our feelings of inadequacy. Women don’t feel desirable enough or worthy enough. They are afraid they aren’t sexy and that their sexuality is overlooked (let’s face it, we have sex drives and part of us wants our carnality to be acknowledged and appreciated). Men don’t feel strong enough, interesting enough. They don’t feel adequate or attractive enough. Both can feel like they are failures in the area of sex and sexual attraction. The game makes men feel empowered and accomplished. It makes women feel desirable and provides a difference sense of accomplishment. But in the end it’s a masturbatory act. And will it really heal our insecurities? Do you think Hugh Hefner keeps at it just for the sex or does he constantly feel the need to keep proving something about himself?

Mystery, one of the most accomplished PUAs, says near the beginning of the third step that "What I'm really after is for people to be envious of me, for women to want me and men to want to be me." Style (Strauss’ alter ego) jokingly responds, "You never got much love as a child, did you?" There seems to be some truth in his comment and the exchange highlights what the game is really about. It isn't just about sex and it certainly isn't about real intimacy and love. It's about trying to make ourselves feel valuable or worthy. We are trying to prove it to ourselves and showcasing it. But I don’t think reaching his goal would bring him a lasting or meaningful sense of value or worth.

It makes me think of Tony in the British show “Skins” who is a bit of a PUA himself. Near the conclusion of the episode Effy at the end of the first season he says to his friend, "The thing is I know I can be a wanker sometimes but... everyone likes that. Don't they? Ball busting and turning heads wherever I go. They like that and I like people liking that. …Then I start to feel distorted because I'm more than that and I don't want to be a wanker." His little speech is a bit touchy-feely but he makes a good point about becoming the ultimate alpha male or an ideal score for that matter. Though maybe part of it feels great and I won’t say that we don’t learn something about ourselves, gain some much needed confidence and acquire some much desired affirmation, some important things get lost in the game. The affirmation especially lacks lasting value. There have to be healthier ways that are less exploitive to gain that confidence and affirmation.

*By the by, I consider the title to be a bit of a joke or sort of ironical since I clearly don’t feel played.