There is so much I have yet to do for tomorrow but too much has been going on in my mind to be able to focus.
At one point in the movie “Ever After” the prince asks the woman he falls in love with, “Isn’t it exhausting living with so much passion?” Today, one of my acquaintances from class made a similar statement as she listened to the conversation between Luci, Julie, and I. It is definitely is exhausting being so passionate.
There are days, like today, when I find myself wishing that I could be more “normal”, less passionate. Being a passionate person means having people constantly mistake your frustration, excitement or zeal with anger. It means getting carried away by your emotions in conversations about topics you have strong beliefs about. Ultimately it means believing in things strongly, which is not the fad right now. In the intellectual circle I find myself in, I feel like my passion is viewed as violent or close-minded. Possibly, this explains my love for the last chapter I read in G.K. Chesterton’s Orthodoxy “The Paradoxes of Christianity.”
As always, there were some aspects of that chapter that I do not whole heartedly accept (mainly how he basically condones the Crusades and monasticism both of which I think had/have admirable elements but were/are misled) but I am madly in love with what he describes as the “irregular equilibrium” of Christian orthodoxy. I believe so strongly that this religion (Christianity) is about paradox. That it is about getting “over the difficulty of combining furious opposites, by keeping them both, and keeping them both furiously.” Also, along with him I believe that “The Church [can] not afford to swerve a hair’s breathe on some things if she is to continue her great and daring experiment of the irregular equilibrium. [Because] let one idea become less powerful and some other idea becomes too powerful.” For example, if we let the depravity of man become too powerful than we lose sight of the dignity of man or vice versa.
Chesterton understands deep emotion and strong beliefs. He sees this synergy at the core of the Christian faith, as do I. So often, I feel like I am viewed as splitting the world into black and white, secular or sacred, legitimate or illegitimate. But, I have always viewed life through more of a Chestertonian lens. The reason I resist universalism, pluralism and all such similar tendencies is because these systems cannot understand paradox. They do violence by denying difference instead of by allowing fierce oppositions to hold each other in balance. I want not “an amalgam or compromise, but both things at the top of their energy; love and wrath both burning.”
When I am in a conversation with someone about my thoughts or beliefs (especially in reference to faith matters) it is so hard to do justice to this way of thinking, seeing, understanding. At least, I have a hard time articulating it to people outside my group of close friends. And it is completely impossible if my passion has been ignited, then I unintentionally radicalize my thoughts/beliefs, and express myself in extremes. At times like that I hate being so passionate, conversations would be so much easier (even if less interesting) if I were otherwise.
I will admit, this is my way of blowing of steam after two conversations where I was unable to accurately articulate myself because of my passion and my functional unease among other Christians when discussing my beliefs/thoughts.
Now to finish memorizing verses and other random bits of homework.
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